The Janitor of Hogwarts
by Teava
Summary: It's about a brainless muggle girl who somehow finds herself at an audition to be the janitor of Hogwarts. A lot of... stupidity, and homosexual couples. MarySues, talking toads, and sexy potions masters too.
1. Enter one dipshit

**The Janitor of Hogwarts  
Chapter One****

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**Note**: This has been a long-running series on livejournal. I started it a year ago, it's... pretty stupid at a lot of points, and it starts off kinda slow. Over in lj we're at chapter seventeen, and while you're free to go check out the story there (http/ it's badly written, hastily written. This is a revised chapter of the first one. Over time I will attempt to get all of the chapters revised and up here, but it's gonna take time. >w Not that I seriously think I'll have too many if any fans on FF. never had any luck here

Anyway, that's the gist of it. Enjoy.

**Disclaimer**: Harry Potter isn't mind, naturally. So like, yeah. However, all made-ups ARE mine, so no takey.

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Once upon a time, two particularly stupid people got together and did a particularly stupid thing: they had a baby. I mean, it wasn't really any _desire_ of theirs to conceive, it just happened, like these things do. It's a good thing it did, too, because their baby wasn't any ordinary baby. It was one Teava DePerto, and she was... special. Shortbus special. _Like, back_ of the shortbus special.

And her parents drove the shortbus.

Teava didn't seem to be anything extraordinary during her childhood, never showing any knack for a certain hobby or subject in school. Of course, whenever she happened to be in school, she was just hanging out in the bathroom smoking.

Genius just radiated off of her, though. It was so easy to tell she would be great and rich and famous one day, revered all over the world. Loved and worshiped and looked up to.

It was nighttime and it found Teava sitting on the floor of her room, attempting to listen for the carpet's heartbeat. Her ears were pressed as close to the fuzzy red material, her face screwed up in concentration. When she found nothing but the faint scurry of some rodent, the girl burst into tears.

"NOOOOO!" she exclaimed, pounding her fists on the ground in frustration. "DON'T DIE ON ME NOW! WE'VE GONE THROUGH SO MUCH TOGETHER!" Tea looked up at the ceiling, choking on her sobs and sniffling rather pathetically. "Please... don't die."

Although she was suffering from intense grief, her attention span was zip. So when she heard a knock at her padlocked, steel-enforced, barbwire-fenced window she immediately got to her feet and peered over at the window curiously.

The knock was to the tune of Mary Had a Little Lamb. Teava was fascinated.

"Hello?" she offered hesitantly, creeping closer to the window. The knocking continued, and she mentally hummed along to one of her favorite songs without realizing it.

When there was no reply other than the knocks, she yelled, "HELLOOOOO?"

There was silence in the room, but Teava's head was still humming.

"Knock, knock," said the window. At least, that's how it was in Teava's perspective. The window itself didn't really speak, and the floor never had a heartbeat, but you couldn't explain that to _her_. If she was capable of comprehending it, and ever did, that would probably be the end of the girl.

Bravely, she said, "Who's there?"

"Uh," the window stuttered. "Why... don't you look? Heh..." The window sounded very obviously flustered.

This provoked a pout from Teava, a lazy creature, but she decided it couldn't hurt. Making a detour to her dresser across the room, she grabbed the steak knife from her underwear drawer (it was there just in case someone got through the landmines and guard dogs). She made her way to the window, clutching the only protection she had at this point as if... her life... depended on it. Yeah, eloquent narrator.

Teava looked out the window. And proceeded to see nothing. "I'm looking," she said in a sing-song voice. "Where are you?"

A creepy voice filled the room, replying to her question with, "Dooooooownstaaaaaairs."

Teava blinked.

"Okay."

She set the knife down on the floor and proceeded to the door, and out into the hallway, past the bathroom where a creepy-looking guy stood in the doorway holding a large, blood-stained knife, and down the stairs, skipping all the while.

Her barefeet made contact with the first floor of the house. She looked around for the owner of the weird voice, but was met with nothing but darkness. Teava's shoulders sagged a bit. "Hello?" she asked once more, getting a bit frustrated.

"Behind yoooooou!" The voice had returned, and seemed to be coming from behind her.

Teava could barely contain her excitement, bouncing on the heels of her feet. "Me?"

There was a sigh, and then, "No, the oompa loompa on the ceiling."

"OMG, OOMPA LOOMPA! AAAAAHHH!" She screamed in terror, falling to h er knees with her hands covering her head right as a creepy-looking guy lunged from the stairs toward her. His plan had been to grab her, and once he had her he would have to think up some dastardly things to do to her, but that came later. No one would ever find out what his plans might have become, as he flew right past her and into a wall.

The muggle girl was still in a crouching position when sirens started in the distance. Within seconds, a dozen or so men in strange, police-uniform-looking dresses suddenly appeared in her house, heading towards the unconscious creepy guy. One made a detour towards her.

"Thank you, young woman!" He gave Teava his hand to help her to her feet. Cautiously she took it and rose unsteadily. "You just caught one of the most feared and horrible wizards there is in all the wizarding world!"

Teava chuckled a little, grasping her arms. The other wizard was pulling out his wand as she muttered, "And I thought I was insane."

And then all was dark.


	2. The happy place

**The Janitor of Hogwarts  
Chapter Two**

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Note**: Updateness that will probably confuse you more than it will entertain. Thanks a lot to the reviews; they're appreciated looooads. 3 

**Disclaimer**: Harry Potter isn't mind, naturally. So like, yeah. However, all made-ups ARE mine, so no takey.

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Teava had no memory of the creepy wizard, or the police-type people who had disposed of him. She wasn't even sure if her name was really Teava, either. What she _was_ aware of, however, was the small, white room she was sitting in. There was just enough space around her to be sitting cross-legged, it was that small.

The ceiling, though, seemed to stretch on into forever. She couldn't see the very top.

Looking around at the white space, a feeling of deja vu came over her. "It's the happy place again!" At first she had a gleeful look on her face, but it soon dawned on her that last time she had been in the happy place, they had tried to convince her that the floor lacked feelings and didn't mind being stepped on. "I told mommy I didn't like this place," Tea huffed, looking cross.

She shrugged it off. And waited. Who knows for what; I'm not really all that curious myself, so when you get the time, why don't _you_ ask. I'm already sick of the girl.

The girl is question happened to be sick of something too. Well, several somethings. For instance, the lack of leg-room, the lack of entertainment, the silence, and her perpetual boredom.

"It's been daaaays," she whined. She started clawing at the walls in an attempt to escape. "Daaays. Where am I? Why am I here? I WANT MY MOMMY!" She began to sob hysterically, bowing her head between her knees in remorse.

A mysterious voice, seeming to come from all around her, sighed in exasperation and said, "It's been five damn minutes, for Christ's sake." Teava looked around frantically, searching for the voice. Right. Left. Up. Carrot. She had no sense of direction.

After giving up the search, she offered up a meek, "God?"

The voice from earlier began to laugh. And laugh. And laugh some more, before it started to hiccup from laughing to hard, and then it sort of sputtered and faded off until it regained it's breath.

"Yes, this is god!" it finally said in a bad attempt at sound big and mighty. It worked on Teava, her eyes becoming almost too large for her head.

Scooting closer to the left wall, where she thought the voice might as well be coming from, she said, "I've always wanted to talk to you. Why is the sky blue?"

There was silence on the other end. Teava began to pout.

"Hellooo?" she started, pressing her face against the wall she was closest to.

"STOP THAT!" God yelled. Loud thumps and crashes followed the remark, leaving Teava even more curious, and provoking her to press her cheek further into the wall, which began to creak ominously.

Genuinely confused, she asked, "Stop what? This?"

With a little more pressure the wall shuddered and began to fall over. "AAAAAHHH!" God screamed in horror. Teava watched as the wall made it's way down, seeming to fall in slow motion. As it made it's decent she began to giggle madly.

_Crash_. It had landed with a rather loud crash.

She jumped to her feet, stretching her legs and arms as relief at being free overcame her. "Whee!" she cried out, in a happy-good way. Looking around, she noticed that she was now in a very large, very dark dungeon, with no one in sight. The thin white boards that had made up the walls of her confining room were now on the murky ground, and seemed to be a lot smaller than she thought they would be.

Although this was all well and good, Teava's search was for the voice, or God as it had been dubbed previously. The deity was no where to be found.

"Hello?" she asked. It was becoming a habit. She started walking around on the white boards, tilting her head every way trying to find anything that would speak back.

"GET OFF ME!"

Teava jumped. Strangely, she said to herself, since no one was in the room that she could see, "The wall talked!"

"I'm not a wall, now get off of me," was the reply.

"Yeah, you don't look much like a wall anymore," she said thoughtfully. "You look like a floor."

"I'm not a floor, either!"

The girl snorted. "What are you then?" She jumped off the distressed 'floor', giving it a small kick. It crumbled to pieces, spraying dust and debris everywhere. Out of the cloud of wall/floor remains came a weird, skeleton-looking thing in black robes that were a few sizes to big for the wearer.

Teava's eyes widened. "You're an alien!"

The Dark Lord Voldemort sneezed.


	3. News of auditions

**The Janitor of Hogwarts  
Chapter Three**

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Note: **Bleh, it's been a while since I revised and updated and all. Busybusybusy, with school and friends and all. All reviews are appreciated, even bad ones. I might cry a little but hey. ;; Opinions are good. Heh.

**Disclaimer**: Harry Potter isn't mind, naturally. So like, yeah. However, all made-ups ARE mine, so no takey.

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To say the least, though more often than not I say too much so this is a rare occasion indeed, Voldemort was pissed. How could you not be after having a wall topple over on top of you? It didn't help any that now he had a strange muggle girl running around his secret hideout, singing badly.

"Oooooh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Weeeeiner!" she shrieked, dancing around in a circle in front of the large throne-like chair the dark lord was seated in. She had a large goofy smile on her face and every time she said a word she'd screw her face up in a weird expression. "Ooooooh, oooooh. Aaaaah, aaaaahh. Whoooo, EEEEEEE, oooo-"

Voldemort was on his last nerve. "THAT IS ENOUGH!" he screamed, the vein in his forehead throbbing irritably.

Teava stopped her, uh, beautiful singing, her smile replaced with an adorable pout. Her parents never could resist her, so she decided she might as well try it on the alien guy she had found herself in the company of. "But Voldieeee-"

"-The DARK LORD Voldemort-"

"-This place is, like, boring and wet-"

"-Severus is trying to fix the plumbing-"

"-And there are raaaats-"

"-Protein-"

"-And absolutely NOTHING to do-"

"-You could shut up-"

"-And you're mean."

Voldemort snorted and said nothing to that.

Teava sighed at his lack of an answer, enjoying their little bickering. She plopped down onto the driest part of the dungeon's floor she could find, defeated. She lacked any suitable seating for the sole reason that Voldemort refused to give her a chair, or any object for that matter. He was sure she would find something unspeakable to do with them. He was not taking any chances.

They sat there in silence. A lot of silence. The awkward kind, where you can hear crickets or frogs or little annoying creatures that make little annoying noises chirping or ribbiting or making... little annoying noises.

_This is worse than her singing_, Voldemort thought.

_Sugar, sugar, sugar, sugar, sugar, sugar, sugar, sugar_, Teava thought.

Their thinking, if you could call Tea's fantasies that even, was interrupted by a loud knock that seemed to come from nowhere, as the walls stretched on into forever. Because all of Voldemort's rooms have to have _something _that does.

"Come in," Voldie growled. After the invitation had been giving, what sounded like a large door squeaked open, and the pattering of many feet could be heard entering the room. Teava looked around frantically, trying to find where the door was, where the sounds were coming from exactly, but all she could discern from the room was a bunch of cliched, dark shadows everywhere.

Finally, Voldemort rolled his eyes and said lazily, "Cut the crap. It's not spooky one bit, Mervin."

There was an immediate sigh before what looked like a giant spider with a human torso and head appeared. His upper body was pale and lanky, covered in freckles and a meager amount of manly chest hair. The head was the same, though completed with acne, unruly red hair and thick-framed glasses that did absolutely nothing for his appearance.

He let out an, "Aww," in a voice that changed pitches abruptly and squeaked, a look of disappointment also etched across his face. His crestfallen appearance provoked a bit of pity for 'Mervin'.

"At least you tried," she piped up, smiling cheerfully.

"Yeah, I guess..."

Voldemort coughed, interrupting their exchange. "What the hell do you want?" Though he acted annoyed, he was slightly grateful to have that creepy as fuck silence interrupted. It would have eventually drove him mad, he just knew it.

Mervin's too-large-for-his-head eyes lit up, and he withdrew, from apparently nowhere, a piece of paper. He began to read: "Hogwarts, School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and the occasional buttsecks, is holding tryouts for Janitor of Hogwarts. The auditions will be held Thursday. Kthxbai, Dumbledore."

The half-spider dork looked insanely proud of himself. Voldemort looked deep in thought. Teava looked... uh, blank.

Raising an eyebrow, the dark lord turned to look at the girl, whose mind was currently blank. An evil smirk came upon his face. "I've got a job for you, muggle."

Teava blinked.

"Alright, repeat after me," Severus Snape said for about the billionth exaggerated time. " 'My name is Teava.' "

After he had failed to fix the plumbing, much to Voldemort's displeasure, the Potions Master had been given the most horrific of punishments he could ever remember experiencing or even HEARING about from other parties. His mind was slowly deteriorating and thoughts of suicide had become more and more frequent in the past hour and a half.

"Po-tay-to?" Teava asked, giving him what seemed to be her perpetual blank look.

Severus' patience had long since evaporated. "No, no, no. TEAVA. Your godamn name is TEAVA, now SAY IT!"

The girl began to sob hysterically, huge, racking cries. "Stop y-yelling."

He shook his head, brushing the hair from his eyes. By the end of the day he just _knew_ he would be insane, if she hadn't already pushed him that far over the edge as it was. Severus almost expected that was the case.

Very slowly, he said, "Listen to me, wench. Your name is _Teava_. TEAVA. T-A-"

He paused.

"How IS that spelled?"

She just shrugged, which gave Severus another reason to sigh, exasperated.

"Well anyway, that's your name. Teava. So say it," he said, and there was desperation in his voice. "Teava. TEAVA. Teavaaaaa."

"Potatoooes."


	4. Training time

**The Janitor of Hogwarts**

Chapter Four

**Just a little note**: yeaaaaaah. It's been a while since I've updated. Sorry. x-x But I'm working like really damn fast to try to get what I've got revised and updated (all the way to chapter 18) so yeah. Yaay.

Somewhere cold and brightly lit, and a bit damp thanks to Severus' lack of plumbing skills.

"_TEAVA_. IT'S FUCKING TEAVA YOU MORON! TEAVA!"

"NOOOOOOOOOO! YOU LIEEEE!"

"TEAAAAVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"I always knew you were a screamer, Severus."

Severus Snape had continued his attempts to teach poor Teava to say her name when asked for it. Apparently, his endeavors were entirely futile, and he was beginning to think Teava was either extremely stupid, or taking great pleasure in messing with his head. Either way, they were both worn out from screaming continually at each other.

The appearance of Lucius Malfoy had startled (and relieved) them both. Severus had even managed to fall out of his chair, the only one furnishing his small living area.

Teava was _already_ situated on the floor, cowering behind the coffee table in tears. Lucius rolled his eyes at the sight. When Voldemort had explained to him what the yelling that could be heard all throughout the Death Eater HQ was, he had been completely exasperated. The man had not gone to all the trouble of killing the aurors who had captured that idiot Amycus and kidnapping the only muggle witness just so Severus could render her deaf. She was going to be very valuable to them in the future, damnit.

Crouching down, he patted the girl on her trembling back, smiling in what he hoped was a friendly manner. It was sort of painful on his part.

"What's your name, sweetheart?" he asked kindly, rubbing her back. Tea sniffled, looking up at him with big, watery eyes that made him want to take a blowtorch to her face. He was able to keep these thoughts of his from showing on his face, though.

"Teava." She sniffed dramatically several times afterwards, for effect.

"DA FUCK?" Severus growled, throwing flaming batons at the janitor-in-training with a mere glance. He looked back and forth between the two as he slowly got to his feet. "How..?"

Malfoy shrugged, and said simply, "You need to work on your people skills."

Several hours later, under the guidance of Lucius and the disbelieving stare of Severus, Teava was able to recite her full name, the alphabet, and cell phone number.

"I'm so proud of you!" Lucius gushed, clasping Teava in a tight hug while tears streamed down his face in an almost comical way. She hugged back, sobbing as well. Both were completely exhausted, and all sense of character had diminished over the hours spent in the potion master's dark and poorly furnished room.

Severus sat in his chair pouting, his right eye twitching spastically. He was trying to appear as if he were occupied with a thick book over deadly plants, which was silly, because the two other people in the room hadn't even noticed his presence for the better half of the 'lesson' as it was. His creepy glare landed on Lucius, who was now sniffling into an expensive looking handkerchief. "I hate that stupid feminine whore," the grumpy potions master muttered, turning back to his book with no real intention of reading it.

Suddenly, the door flew open, revealing an exceptionally hyper Mervin. He scampered in, making his way towards the drama queens who had finally managed to get a hold of themselves. In the moments Mervin spent dancing around excitedly, which was kind of a scary sight considering he had eight legs to dance on, they picked themselves up off the floor, waiting in silence for him to stop.

He finally managed to say, breathlessly, "GOOD NEWS! Dumbledore recently had a brain transplant with some muggle named Gorge Dubya? I think that's it. They're saying he's gone completely daft, so it'll probably be easy to sneak Tea into the school and then into the tryouts."

"Yay," everyone cheered in a monotone, looking at him expectantly.

Mervin's face dropped, as he continued with his news. "Uhm, apparently he's convinced the Ministry of Magic to drop what they're calling a "nuke" on your mansion, Malfoy."

"MY PRECIOUS!" Lucius screamed, causing Severus to fall out of his chair once again. He streamed out of the room, still screaming inane things. The others just stood, or sat in Snape's case, in silence.

They blinked in unison.

"Right," Mervin muttered. He turned to Teava. "So are you ready?"

The muggle girl looked down at her feet, appearing thoughtful, and then managed to say, "Potatoes?"


	5. Something

**The Janitor of Hogwarts**

Chapter Five, but sorta kinda.. NOT. Explained below!

Well, originally, chapter five doesn't exist.

When I first started writing the Janitor stuff, I left a lot of inane author notes. And the one for four was something along the lines of, "In the next chapter there'll be... something!"

So, being the smart ass that I am, on the livejournal the story started out on, I made an entry entitled, "Chapter Five". The contents were, as you might have guessed: Something. Teh End. Yeah, because I'm all cool and clever like that.

So there is no chapter five. I could just put chapter six's events here, but then I would get confused, so sorry. I guess I COULD just ramble on about the story, but I have little faith anyone would read it, so why not just.. wait for chapter six, or if I've already updated when you read this, then go ON to chapter six, and suffer - err, I mean ENJOY, because this story is just awesome. It reeks of awesome.

Hell yeah.

Right.

Uh, where was I? Oh yeah, trying not to ramble. It's hard, obviously. w;;

... bye.

I said GO AWAY.

GODAMNIT, why are you following me around? Do I need to sick Severus on you or something? Oh, I bet you'd like that. Pervert. Just leave me alone already.

I don't have any money so just go. Gods.

SEVERUS! SEVERUS SAVE MEEEE

waits

Yeah, right. Like I was really expecting him to help. ;; Sob.

Oh well, in the next few chapters I'll be introducing a lot of characters. Like.. the overall cast for this fanfiction is huge, a lot larger than it really was INTENDED to be when I.. wrote the few chapter, even. Most are, I guess you could say, original characters, but they're really based on people I know.

When this was first started, it was just supposed to be something silly for my friends on livejournal, so I wrote them all parts, since I was in it and all. So that's the cast. I intend to tweak some of the characters that aren't mainmain characters because.. I don't talk to those people anymore.

Haha, I'm so weird.

Right, anyway. Damnit, I wasn't intending on writing anything at all. Look what you made me do. Meanyhead. If only Severus listened to me (or existed), then you'd regret it.

BYE.

Oh, and here's s WARNING, since I forgot to mention this before, but there is a bunch of profane language, and some adult themes. And some blatant gayness. We're talking like total swishy, flaming queer-ness here. So yeah.

Juuuust a warning, that's all.

w


	6. Oh the perfectness

**The Janitor of Hogwarts**

Chapter Six

After Teava had confirmed to Severus that she was definitely NOT ready, and had a strange fondness for potatoes she was unwilling to explain, the two set off towards Hogwarts. By... mysterious means that will not be named, as they're supposed to remain mysterious and unknown. You know, for effect? Like most things are.

C'mon, give the poor narrator a break! All she wants is to be dramatic, but no. You have to go and piss on her illustrative skills like that. Wow, cold, man. That's just cold.

Anyway. During the ride, Teava had grown beyond bored. An extremely bad thing for a severely sleep-deprived Severus. She had begun to bombard him with question upon question, hoping to take advantage of his zombie-like state and either get her way, or a rise out of him. It amused the muggle when he yelled.

"Can I sing?"

"No," he snarled, grinding his teeth in any effort not to wringe her neck. "You may not."

"Please?" she offered, hoping politeness might be effective.

Yeah right. Not when the coffee machine in the Death Eater's lounge was broken and he was so messed up from lack of sleep that he had forgotten he could summon coffee out of nowhere with a swish of his wand.

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"...Pleaaaaaaase?"

"Say please one more time and I'll rip out your voice box for the remainder of the trip."

The girl fell silent, which relieved Severus immensely. For a few moments, at least.

"Why?"

Something inside of him snapped. "GODAMNIT. JUST SIT THERE AND STAY QUIET."

Teava fell silent once again, not even favoring the grumpy man with her usual pout. She did manage to look exceptionally upset, however. This didn't manage to faze him at all.

_Good_, he said to himself, at the thought of her in emotional pain. _Bloody annoyance_.

They rode on in silence, when suddenly (because everything in this word happens that way) there was a loud _thump_ heard overhead, the force of whatever had fallen on their mysterious means of transportation shaking the entire vehicle, and making Severus' ass kiss the floor once again. The middle of the fabric-like substance covering the ceiling of their ride sank low under the weight of what seemed to be a person.

Severus managed to stare at in blatant surprise, but Teava didn't even blink at the disturbance. Instead, she offered, "Maybe it's God again."

Turning away from the object, mouth now considerably open in order to gape at her in alarm, the potion's master looked like he was about to say something. He shook his head and closed it and thought before asking:

"I... seriously don't want to know, do it?" When Teava shrugged, he added, "Thought so," then closing his eyes, trying to keep his exasperation from showing.

They went on riding peacefully, trying to ignore whatever had fallen on them until the buldge gave a loud grunt.

"What the FUCK is that?" he muttered, moving from his position on the floor to a large window on the side of their transportation. With some effort he managed to open it, brushing the gauzy red curtains aside to stick his head out as far as he could. It was enough to peer over the roof to see what had landed so, dare I say, suddenly on them.

Lying there innocently enough was a girl, decked out in what appeared to be Slytherin Quidditch robes, despite the fact that school was out. She seemed to be uninjured, and there was a leaf in her long, blonde, exceptionally perfect hair, but Severus noticed that it was otherwise immaculately straight and in place, and her robes were without tear or grass stain. Beside her, an expensive looking broom and hello kitty™ backpack sat inconscpiciously enough.

Severus' eyes narrowed in alarm, the wind whipping his hair around dramatically as he muttered, "Mary-Sue." He clutched the bottom of the window suspending his weight almost desperately, expecting the scenery surrounding them to suddenly darken and for lightning to crackle ominously in the sky. Nothing happened. "Not again. It gets so old."

Once the blonde girl gave another groan, and seemed to be waking up, Severus stuck his head back inside the mysterious contraption taking them to Hogwarts, almost frantically. When he returned and straightened his hair out, his eyes went immediately to where Teava had been sitting before his little trip.

She wasn't there. Of course.

Looking over to where _he_ had been sitting before his little fall, Snape was relieved to see that she had moved there in his absence. She was on her knees, reaching up towards the ceiling where a pin appeared to be set. With a small jump she was able to reach it, pulling down hard once it was in her grasp.

In slow motion, Severus saw the cloth seperating the Mary-Sue and the two traveling buddies disappear. He had no time to scream and thrown himself out of their conveyance before _it_ landed at his feet, spread-eagle, brilliant blue eyes wide.

"This can't be good," he choked out, a disgusted look gracing his face.

The Mary-Sue looked up at Severus, as if expected him to help her to her feet and declare his undying love for her. Instead, he snorted and stepped over her, plopping down beside the startled Teava who still held the pin in her hand. She put the cloth back in its place and sat down, having the appearance of a dazed puppy.

"I didn't know it would do _that_," she said.

The both watched the Mary-Sue get to its perfect feet, not even bothering to brush itself off in attempt to set its clothes straight, _knowing_ that it would be perfect either way. Extending a slender, well-manicured hand to Severus, she smiled brightly, lips painted a sparkly, perfect pink, and said in her sweet musical voice," Hello! My name is Caz."


	7. RIBBIT

**The Janitor of Hogwarts**

Chapter Seven

Teava and Severus sat side by side across from the strange, and yet perfect, girl that had landed on their ever mysterious transportation, which bustled on its merry way towards Hogwarts. The air of the compartment was tense, mostly coming from the potions master who couldn't help but stare at the blonde warily. Even Teava was able to notice his discomfort, and it unnerved her to some degree.

"A Mary-Sue is a horrible thing," he whispered to her. She blinked at his disclosure.

"She doesn't seem that bad." Tea titled her head to the side, staring at the one who had declared herself 'Caz' moments before. The recipient of the stare smiled cheerfully, sitting eerily still. "Kinda... perfect, that's all."

"Exactly."

"I still don't get it."

Severus let out a sigh, running a hand through his hair. "Then just understand that this Caz girl is trouble, and you are not to trust her." He turned to face his companion, trying to emphasize the importance of what he was about to say. "If she asks to meet anyone by the names of Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Draco Ma-"

He was interrupted by a, "RIBBIT," that had errupted from the Mary-Sue's side of the mysterious... thing, reverberating around the room and causing the Hogwarts teacher to fall silent. They both turned their attention towards her, noting how she seemed unbothered by the out-of-place noise.

"Wow, maybe she's some kind of evil frog in disguise, trying to steal my secret recipe for..." She scrambled a moment to think of what she was even capable of cooking, before exclaiming," RAMEN NOODLES!" Severus shook his head at the inane outburst, staring intently at the ever-smiling Caz.

Taking a moment to summon the balls, Snape asked, "Did you... hear that?"

"Hear what?" she replied. Smile smile.

Severus' brow furrowed, his gaze still fixed on Caz whose head was now tilted to the side as well, mirroring Teava's action.

Teava blinked _rapidly_ at this.

"Woah," she started. "She copied me! Maybe she's my clone!" This statement almost made Severus fall out of his seat, again, but this time he would be giggling hysterically. Instead, he still giggled hysterically while clutching to the sides of the bench they were situated on desperately to save his butt any more bruises. Teava got the feeling it was a mocking laugh that came from him, and kicked him in the leg. "That was mean."

"I know," he snorted, trying to regain his composure.

"You're so dreamy, Sevvie-kins," Caz sighed, fluttering her eyelashes at him. The potions master had the sudden urge to rip each and every one of those godamn lashes out. He might even pluck the eyes out too while he was at it.

Before he could reply, or do anything considerably violent, there was another, "RIBBIT," which appeared to come from the hello kitty backpack the Mary-Sue had arrived with, and was sitting on the floor a little ways from her. Everyone, excluding Caz, so it wasn't really a whole lot of people, turned their eyes on the bag. Waiting.

It ribbited again, and even gave a little jump.

Teava let out an awed, "Ooooooooooh."

Crouching down, she walked on her knees over to the back and put her face up close to it. "God, is that _you_?" She poked it with a finger.

"OW. Stop that!" it cried indignately in a thick British accent, which isn't too odd considering that everyone in Potter-verse has one, but the narrator had just stupidly forgotten to mention that Teava _lacked_ one.

"I think it IS God this time!"

"_I_ think it's a frog." Severus crawled over too, giving the bag a poke himself.

The "I am NOT a frog. I'm a toad, imbecile, now stop poking me."

Meanwhile, Voldemort and Mervin were having a pleasant discussion in the Library of the Death Eater's HQ, sipping tea and all that other shit. Like biscuits or something. Or maybe little sandwhiches. That's be cute. In the shape of bunnies, even! I think Voldemort likes bunnies.

"How'd you find that weird muggle anyway?" Mervin asked, rudely interrupting the narrator's ramblings. He prodded at his cup helplessly with a sharp, spidery leg.

Voldemort shrugged. "Lucius came upon it and sent it to me, probably hoping to kill me off or something. She is rather... well..."

"I don't think there are words, Master."

"You open it."

"Nuh uh! I don't want to open it. You do it."

"I don't want to either. I have more to live for; you open it."

"But Sevvvviieeeeee-"

"I'll give you a cookie." Feeble attempt.

"OOOOOOH! What kind?"

"Uhm." Hesitation. "Chocolate?"

"Ewwww. You open it."

"Gah, PEANUT BUTTER?"

"YAY!" Good call, Severus! "Shut up!" Severus said, glaring into empty space. This earned him a weird look from the girl beside him, but she didn't question the outburst.

Teava reached for the zipper on the top of the bright pink backpack, right above the plushie head of hello kitty herself. She tugged up on the zipper. Nothing happened. She gave it another tug.

"I think it's broken," she said, looking defeated. Severus slapped a hand to his forehead, though by now he shouldn't have been surprised by her.. indescribible behavior, and pushed Tea's hand out of the way.

"No, you're just stupid." Pulling the top open, he withdrew quickly behind the janitor-to-be, peering his head over her shoulder at the intimidating bag that only smiled back cheerfully in the form of fabric flowers and sparkle-ridden plastic. "Now look inside already."

Teava did. It was very dark, she concluded.

"Helloooo?" she said into the bag, swearing she could hear her voice echoing in it's expansive depths. Nothing happened. No reply, no evil claw reaching out to suck her into some alternate hello kitty dimension. Nothing.

"Try sticking your hand down it," Severus suggested.

Teava nodded. She glanced cautiously at Caz first, and when she noted the girl was staring straight ahead, still smiling perfectly, she stuck a finger down the bag. And then her hand. And soon her entire arm became completely submerged, still with no sign of the bottom, or the frogtoadthing that had insulted them earlier.

"Well?"

"I think I feel a slight breeze."

Severus opened his mouth to reply when Teava suddenly screamed out, "SOMETHING BIT ME!" The girl scooted back, right into Snape's lap, waving her bag-covered hand around frantically. "GET IT OOOOOOFF!"

Sighing, Snape pushed the girl off of him and grabbed the backpack. With a swift motion he had yanked it off, revealing Teava's arm, apparently unharmed. The thing sitting on it, however, looked very dead, Jim.

"That must be the toad," he offered, wrinkling his nose. "Way to go."

"Oooh. Can I poke it now?"

"Go for it."

Using her free hand, Teava got her pointer finger ready to jostle the poor creature when it promptly opened its large, strangely placed eyes, causing her to jump in alarm.

The toad then... pouted, if that's at all possible for them to do.

Getting to its feet, still perched on Teava's arm, it ribbited loudly to show its indignation. Conjuring from out of nowhere a rolled up newspaper, it used its tongue to repeatedly thwap the muggle girl upside the head with it.

"Owwwwieeee."

Severus snicked.

"Don't make me hit you too, young man," the toad threatened, brandishing the bloodied newspaper his direction. Severus rolled his eyes and was promptly received with a face full of the funnies.

A few minutes later...

"So you're a talking, _magical_ frog-"

"- toad-"

"- whatever. A talking, magicaly _toad_, who used to be human."

"I was an extremely powerful mage, actually."

"Right. And you were in the Mary-Sue's bag why...?"

"I'm apparently her 'pet'."

Caz interrupted their little exchange with a, "He's a very bad one too."

"If you don't want him, I'll take him!" Teava said excitedly. She waved her arms around in emphasis of her excitedness, which just sent the poor toad for another ride. Caz shrugged.

"He's too ugly for me anyway. I wanted a unicorn."

Tea squealed and grabbed the now dazed toad off her arm, squeezing her new pet to her chest. _He's so sooooft,_ she thought. _I'm going to call him Squishy!_

"You can't call me Squishy. My name is Robin."

Teava sobered instantly and pulled the toad away from her, holding him at arms length. They looked at each other, long and hard, clockwork turning doubletime on Teava's part.

"Did you... just..."

"I think I did."

"YOU READ MY _THOUGHTS! _ALIEN! ALIEEEEEN!" She began to shake the toad violently, eyes wide in shock, and fear of probes. Ew.

Severus sighed, and rescued Robin from the distraught girl who, with the lack of something to shake, was now clutching the sides of her head trying to block the evil alien waves she thought the toad was sending at her from entering her head. Caz was giggling.

"Wow, glad I gave him away before he could suck out my very large brain," she said cheerily, not at all conceited as you can see.

Teava took time away from her freaking out to say, "But it would have made your head not so oddly shaped." Caz's eyes went wide, and she grabbed her backpack, pulling out a large hand mirror. Within seconds she was observing each plane of her head carefully, assuring herself everything was still perfect.

Severus coughed, drawing Tea back to the matter at hand. He sat Robin on the head of the seat beside him, so they were eye level, and said matter-of-factly, "So, you guys are obviously psychically linked."

"How cliched," Robin drawled.

"No kidding. Anyway, let's make sure this wasn't just coincidenc, like it probably isn't. Teava, I know it's hard for you, but I'm going to ask that you try and think about something in particular." The girl nodded. "Robin, you say whatever it is she thought, and if she confirms it..."

"If she confirms it," the toad picked up, looking sullen. "I might be committing suicide in the near future."

"Right. Start, girl."

_Uhm_. _Uhm. I don't know what to think about. Uhmmmm_, Teava thought, searching frantically for something that might be considered 'particular'.

"You think the most _stupid_ things."

Suddenly (yay!), there was a unearthly scream, and a body fell through the roof right where Mary-Sue had herself not too much time ago, and on to the middle of the floor. It groaned, and lifted itself to its feet, looking around with wide eyes, the same dark brown as Teava's.

"Uh oh," Teava herself sighed, trying to sink into the chair. She scooted closer to Severus, hoping he'd provide some protection against the scariest thing in existence, beside the Boogey man and Barney.

This monsterous thing, which seemed to be human and male, dusted himself off, and said in a no-shit tone of voice, "I'm here to take Teava home."

Severus glanced over to the cowering Teava, hoping she would give a clue to why this guy knew who she was. All he was met with was a watery expression that made him want to her punch her face in. Instead, remembering his mission, he stood and said, "I'm afraid I can't let you do that."

_Who is he_? Robin thought to Teava, causing her to scream at the reminder that someone else was in her brain with her. Not that there wasn't room.

"OH MY GOD! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!"

"Who are you?" Severus voiced Robin's thoughts. Well, Caz's too, really. And his own. Godamnit, I'll shut up.

"I'm her brother."


	8. Are we there yet?

**The Janitor of Hogwarts  
**  
Chapter Eight

"BROTHER?" was the general surprised response of everyone, although Severus was the one who managed to voice this.

"If it's her older brother, we might get our asses kicked."

"I'll get mine kicked too!"

"Aww, I'd never lay a hand on my sister."

"Ooooh, he's kind of cute. Is he a bishie?"

"NO."

"Don't have to be rude.."

"You know, the writer is extremely lazy, and I bet the readers are confused."

"I'm confused too."

"You're always confused. I think it's natural."

_Crash_.

"OW!"

"Don't say mean things about my baby sister!"

"Bwuahaha, who has power now, biatch."

"When idiots laugh evilly you know it's time to run, fast. And stop checking out Snape's ass, Teava, or do it and keep your thoughts SILENT. Ew."

The still mysterious transportation thing fell into a deathly silent that didn't really fit the usual mood of things, everyone turning to look at Teava. The emotions ranged from sickened to intrigued to really REALLY sickened.

"What? I'm a teenager!" was the feeble excuse she supplied.

Before anyone could reply, the vehicle suddenly lurched to a stop, throwing the occupants around a bit, but they all managed to remained seated for once. It gave a few more violent shakes before coming to a complete stand still. What sounded like a car door slammed sut, and heavy footsteps could be heard outside. They followed the path they could hear whatever force had driven them to Hogwarts make as it made its way to the right side of... whatever the thing they were in was.

The wall disappeared, revealing a disgruntled McGonagall and a short, fat, bald guy wearing a tutu looking completely out of place beside her.

"Hello Severus," McGonagall said coldly. She looked around the compartment with a mixture of awe, before exclaiming, "Who on _earth_ are all of these people?"

The questioned man sighed. Gesturing to each in their turn, he said, "Minerva, this is TeavaRobinMary-Sue-" McGonagall gasped, "-andTea'sbrother. Teava and all you other people, Minerva."

There was more enstranged silence as each group stared at each other, taking all of this in. Teava, of course, had to interrupt this.

"Minerva rhymes with Binerva!" she cried happily, almost... proud of her outburst, like she had said something intelligent.

"Aren't you a brightly lit candestick," McGonagall observed, a look of distain painted across her face. Turning to Snape, she said, "Err, Albus would like to meet you in his office. Go ahead and bring your, uh, friends as well. I'm sure he'd be delighted to meet them too." With that, she turned and vanished from sight.

"I think she likes me," Teava said.

Severus nodded and offered, "Yeah, I'm sure she just loves you to pieces." After effectively rolling his eyes in her direction, the potions master had hopped out of the thing. "Hurry up."

Slowly, everyone else filed out. Severus watched them quietly, amazed at how their little expedition to the school had attracted a bunch of weirdos. He didn't bother wondering HOW it had attracted them, but if he had, the only conclusion he would have been able to make was that weirdos came in packs, and since Teava was the mother of ALL weird things, of course she was going to bring a bunch of others with her eventually.

Once the posse was situated outside the thing, the fat bald guy nodded to Severus, and then proceeded to disappear with a pop. The mysterious vehicle had gone with him.

Everyone was a bit startled by this, and Teava's brother took advantage of it by snapping a sparkley pink collar around his sister's neck, complete with matching pink leach that was securely wrapped around his wrist.

"Pretty!" the strange muggle girl said, giving it a tug. "Thank you Avi!" Yay, now her brother has a name.

"That is sick," Robin gagged, mind obviously on one thing only.

Caz blinked, stating her own opinion: "Kinky."

"In...deed," said Severus, pursing his lips at the exchange. He looked towards the castle. "Now let's get moving."

And they, like, did, I guess.

Up the steep grassy hill, towards the prettiful castle of Hogwarts, through the front door, a few hallways, and after making one pitstop for the bathroom, they finally arrived to the statue of the something that led to Dumbledore's office.

Wow, real eloquent.

"Fuck, what's the password," Severus cursed, somewhat at himself but mostly at McGonagall. That damn wench. He was all set to go off and find the elder proffessor, when the heavens smiled upon him in the form of an idiotic outburst.

"Boogers!" Teava cried.

The statue turned a garish fuchsia color before bursting in a bunch of flowers, revealing a spiraling yellow brick staircase that he hoped lead to Dumbledore and not some emerald city.

Everyone decided it would be best not to ask, and began to ascend the stairs.


End file.
